Jesus, Take the Wheel

This song haunts me. I mean, it gives me chills EVERY TIME I listen to it. And I know why. I cannot imagine having that kind of faith; you know, the kind where you literally say that you are handing everything over to God and that you trust in Him to get you through the tough times. I just can't do it. And in some way, I keep hoping that I will wake up one day and realize that I DO have that kind of faith. But the reality is that I don't.

Today has been a really hard day. I got up late, and was rushing to get out of the house with three kiddos, and I could feel my anxiety rising with every minute that passed. I don't understand why, but my brain gets locked up, and the internal battle that ensues is draining and frustrating, and anyone that interrupts my plan must endure the wrath. It is horrible. Really. My kids get yelled at for asking for help with a shoelace or for a drink of water. I hate it. I hate that person I become. And it ruins my whole day.

After our outing, I sat in the car, and listened to this Carrie Underwood song on repeat. And cried. Why is it so easy for other people to so faithfully ask for divine help? Why is it so easy for other people to function, even when things go awry? Why can't I be one of those people?

Unfortunately, bringing kiddos inside proved to be a mighty task as well. Meltdowns were happening in every room of the house, it seemed like. And one of them was me. Again. Why is life such a struggle for me? Why can I not just enjoy these three gorgeous, happy children that I have been blessed with? What is wrong with me?

This awful gloom has followed me around all day. I still can't shake it. I was hoping that a nap would help. It didn't. I was hoping that writing about it would help. It's not, either. So here I am, at the end of the day, crying, again. Wishing that I could just function in hard times. Wishing that I could just be happy. Wishing that I could just say,

Jesus, take the wheel.
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own

I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus, take the wheel.