One week later

I have somehow managed to hold myself together pretty well this week, even yesterday being 1 week after delivery. But today has been surprisingly hard. I have been so edgy with the kiddos; I thought that I was done crying, but I have done a lot of that, too. I am just an overall mess.

I keep thinking about the people who have reached out to me with similar stories of loss, but I can't bring myself to talk to them. I feel so trivial. I know that if I talk about it, I am just going to cry and cry and cry. I know I should, that I would feel better if I did, but I can't. I can barely bring myself to say her name out loud. How can I possibly talk to anyone right now?

I just got off the phone with my hubby's aunt, and she said the most beautiful thing to me. She said that it is rare for a mother to see a child die before her, and my baby was lucky enough to have her whole life inside of me, and that was a beautiful offering for our child, that she could live and die in my comfort. I am still in tears thinking about that. Our sweet baby girl really did live through me, she experienced all of my joy, my happiness, my sadness, my anger. And she died inside of me, in total comfort, in complete love. Those tender words have made me fall apart all over again, but have also completely humbled me.