Midlife Crisis?

I swear I am too young for a midlife crisis, but what else do I call this?

I feel like I am in a constant battle with myself. My heart and my brain are struggling to reconcile the loss of our baby. I have constant doubts about my faith--not necessarily my religion, but the idea that there is a higher power that knows what is best for me. I absolutely believe that there is a Heaven, and that I will see my daughter again someday. But I don't know how to pick up the pieces right now and move forward. I am stuck in limbo.

One of the hardest things to deal with right now is that my oldest keeps telling me that I don't love her anymore; that once #3 came along, I stopped loving her and I only love him. It breaks my heart. And #2 is currently going through some sort of middle-child resentment phase or something. He has been such a bully to #3 lately, and it is driving me bonkers. I feel so bad for my little guy. And of course, the first thing that goes through my head is, "I wish he could have at least had his little sister. They would have been best friends." Knife in my heart.

Something occurred to me today... All of my friends consider me to be a nurturing, motherly person, but somehow I don't feel I am nurturing to my own children. How can I be so kind and gentle to my friends, and so mean and impatient with my own children?? Obviously something is wrong. But what? And how do I fix it??

The only thing I feel that I can control right now is my weight, but of course, it is not in a healthy way. I obsess about food and working out. This takes up about 65% of my daily thoughts. I am constantly thinking about ways I can get skinny. I feel like this is all I can do right now. I feel so crappy, but at least I will have a nice body in a few months.